Dennis Caiazza - bass/vocals
Jay Stapleton - guitar
Edwin Leon Coleman III - drums
Noah Peterson - sax
This version of my Quartet was active from 2001-2003 - they will forever and affectionately be known among us as "The Boys."; Jay Stapleton, my right hand man, moved to the Bay Area at the end of 2003 and was a fabulous run of great music, adventure and the firm establishment of my quartet. I encourage you pick up our "Downbeat Featured CD" Live at Biddy McGraw's; so you can enjoy what we brought to each and every performance. To "The Boys" - wow, what a run. I can't wait to do it again!
Enjoy the E-toons, the photos and please support live jazz!
One's a musician and the other one doesn't have any money either.
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as you can imagine, I travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happenning when I get home. Her cell phone rigns and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later." When I ask her who called, she's evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late getting dropped off around the corner. Once I picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she was very upset at me. One of my buddies in another band said he's seen my wife and a strange man coming to his gigs. He told me this the last time he borrowed my guitar amp. I had an idea to see for myself what was going on and told him he could use my amp, but I wanted to hide behind it and see if she comes walking in with anyone at his next gig. Last Saturday I'm at the gig hiding behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack waiting for her to come in and I could feel the hear coming off of the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the tubes wasn't glowing as bright as the other 3. Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?
Thanks,
Very Concerned
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
Dear Mr. Bandleader:
My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our daughter's wedding. We have a list of songs we would like you to play. Don't worry if you don't know all of them.
Any Chick Corea composition would be great, but we would especially like you to play "The Three Quartets, No.1) as the guests walk in. For the bride's mother, please go right into the piano intro to
"Quartet No. 2." Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, have it arranged for the full ensemble.
Don't play any of the "Electric Band" songs. Make sure the drummer uses "Evans" drum heads so his drums sound like Steve Gadd, our favorite drummer.
Now, when I walk in, please play "Birdland" (but the version from "Live"). My wife and I were at that show, and we particularly like it. If you find it too difficult, you can play "Sister Cherl" from "Tony
Williams Live in Tokyo."
Now, for the song in the middle of the Mass during the communion, we want the singer to sing Alan Holdsworth's "Against the Clock" from his "Wardenclyffe Tower" CD. We love this song and especially the drum solo by Vinnie Colaiuta. We think that it's his greatest solo, although some will argue against this. Keep repeating the drum solo till the priest tells you to stop.
Any of John Coltrane's duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes.
We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance. . ." or whatever it's called, from the Rite of Spring (second version c. 1932). If you want
to use the sheet music, that's OK. We like a tempo of about not = 93 (Ozawa). Faster would be cool, too, but don't play it too slow. That would ruin it.
Next, for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappas "The Black Page." If you want to play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing
it, so you may have to play that part in another key (she majored in voice at UCLA).
During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith Jarret tunes from his "Standard Vol. 1 and 2" And, feel free to take things out as far as you like.
When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of "Varese's Ionization"? It's such a cool piece. We think it would go over really well. It's much better than "The Stripper."
Now, for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio for Strings." It's so much better than "We've Only just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz." When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear?"
That's in honor of my wife's grandmother, whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family. Then, we would like to hear some nice Mexican music while we eat dinner. We love the sound of Los Ponchos, so any of their hits would be great.
Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends. We thought that $50.00 per man for 4 hours would be sufficient. So that's $350.00 for the entire group. If you get our guests dancing, I will throw in an extra $50.00. So, get 'em dancing.
We want you to be set up TWO HOURS before your start time @ 5:00 PM., and do not be late. We don't want to see any cases, bags, coats, boxes, cables, wires, or any unnecessary clutter on the stage or within view of the guests. Play 1 hour and then take a break of no more than 10 minutes, but don't forget, to leave the guitar player or the piano player playing while the rest of the band breaks.
Absolutely no drinking! In fact, we don't even want to see the musicians near the bar or food tables. Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go outside quietly where no one can see you. Of course, no smoking
anywhere. Someone will be watching you on your breaks to make sure you don't consume any alcohol. Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a "bandwich" and, perhaps a soda to take with you. Oh, and one more thing. . . .and this is very important. In between songs, we don't want to hear any musicians practicing "licks," or running up and down high speed scales. Nothing sounds worse than hearing musicians all "fooling around" at the same time. It is a terrible habit. It's very unprofessional. You don't hear the members of the Berlin Philharmonic "noodling around" between
movements. . . .right?
We look forward to hearing you play.
Sincerely,
The Bride's Parents
Tthe actual event was much, much scarier to behold. July 2003
"Noah, awaken and heed my words!"
And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a jazz band. For the earth
will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows
and forty nights of Awards Banquets followed by Rock & Roll and
Country/Western Music. They will all be jazz oblivious. This pleaseth me not
and so we must invent jazz."
And Noah didst say, "Command me Lord."
And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy leader?"
And the Lord sayeth; "Fool, thou will be my contractor. Ask not why!"
And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes my Lord. And what
instrument will the leader play?"
And the lord said, "It matters little whether he play or not, or
whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to schmooze,
and to deal with clients, and to count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as
to whether overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not
be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another
player of that instrument in the band just to be safe."
And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread bad
information and confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit them one against
the other, and to delay all payments "Further shall it be his job, until we
can afford a soundman, to create feedback, and to invent new equalization."
And Noah didst shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are
strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a
drummer. And three things above all must this drummer possess."
"First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he
playeth a fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different
place, but thou may not guess which, nor where 'one' now is." "And second,
he must be supremely discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will
lead him to playing with Wedding Bands or for other high paying gigs, so
that he secretly despiseth jazz." "And third, he must always be convinced of
his righteousness, in all things, including time, volume, tempo and feel, so
that he argueth always with the leader and the bass player."
And Noah didst say, "Bass player?"
And the Lord didst say, "Yes, Bass player. He shall be bored. That is All."
And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he
shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play substitute upon
substitute, until no man may name the chord, and he will not be helpful.
Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out new
gear of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy wisdom!"
And the Lord didst wisely continue, "Next shall be the Guitar Player and he
shall be loud, and he shall sing off key. Also shall he know not The Page,
and so shall rely upon his ears, which have been damaged by exposure to high
sound pressure levels. For guitar players who read shall already being
playing shows, and will be making the big shekels. And his uniform shall be
the rattiest."
And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns."
"First shall be Saxophones and Clarinets. And they shall either be Beboppers
who play Bird quotes in every song, yea, even the ballad medley, or copiers
of Johnny Dodds and Sidney Bechet. They shall get drunk and high on every
break, chase but never catch women, and make long faces all night long, but
especially when "Bill Bailey" is called."
"Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt
to take everything up an octave, and fail frequently. And of changes they
shall know nothing."
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made
about him, for he will have a beeper that never beeps, as well as a day job,
and he will be the first to be cut from the band."
And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
"Next, shall be the String Player. He will attach pickups to his violin
that is more ancient even than myself, so that the instrument screecheth and
causeth great pain. His job shall be to dress in foppish clothing with hair
in a pony tail, to fake parts, and to complain about the volume and the
intonation, and to impede the swing."
And Noah didst say, "What can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord didst say, Finally, find me the singers." "And they
shall be two, one male and one female." "And the male shall be a strutting
peacock, with girlie man hair, and he shall never have to wear the tuxedo,
and also shall play the harmonica."
"The female shall ALWAYS sing the power ballads, and the novelty
songs. She shall sing backup for the male, and forget the words, and be
late, and know nothing of keys or form." And together, they shall leave
every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of equipment." "And they
shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask not why."
And the Lord continued: "Together they shall be melded into a
dissonant band that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music called Jazz. It
shall grow to immense proportions in New Orleans amongst sinners,
whorehouses and honky tonks several millennia from now. But fear not within
a 100 years from birth, it shall be played in Churches and other places of
high learning. And it shall be called art. Go figureth."
And the lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every
musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have no work yet, a
commitment must be secured from all. And while you're at it, start looking
for subs."
And Noah didst say, "Lord, thy will be done."
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my Plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account to the tune of R300 by way of a penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options1through 8.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
"Great," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'C'."
The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about the lesson. "Terrific," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'G'." The following week the child did not come home. The father wasfrantic when the child finally came home after 2:00 AM. "Where on earth have you been?" yelled the father.
"I had a gig," answered the son.
The other said "That's a coincidence. So is mine, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a physicist."
"That's a coincidence. So am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table where two men then compared IQs at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At a third table one man said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52."
The other said, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?"
safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "I stole the paintings because I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."